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Two well-known Hollywood couples are saying that "Divorce is not an option"... both couples admit to being in couples therapy... Jada & Will and Courtney & David. I admire their tenacity. I also thought that divorce was not an option... but now I'm not so sure.
Today is officially Christmas. My first Christmas without my mom... or my dad. My father passed away unexpectedly in 2002, just three days after the equally unexpected death of my then-boyfriend's own father. I was at his father's funeral when I received the fateful call at 5:45am on May 9th. My husband and I both lost our dads within a few days of one another. A bonding moment, for sure, but one we would have gladly done without, thank you. My mom passed just 9 months ago, on Easter Sunday. In my house... in my arms, actually. This, too, was quite unexpected, although she had been ill for quite some time.
Oh, and did I mention that we found my beloved cat lifeless just a few days before Christmas this year? Yes, we did. Thankfully, my husband took care of burying him in our yard. And, telling our child.
One would think that my husband would be extra thoughtful this holiday season, right?
Not.
In fact, at the end of a very heated argument regarding the riskiness of leaving our daughter strapped in her carseat in his sports car with the keys in the ignition, driver's door open in the middle of the night in a bad neighborhood... while he stands OUTSIDE the car... he quite nicely told me that his ENTIRE family believes me to be an unrelentless Bitch. The only family I have left doesn't even like me, according to my husband. How's that for a Merry Christmas?
Yes, so while I have always believed that Divorce is not an Option and I have loved my husband through many "thick and thin" periods, this Christmas, I'm wondering how others make that decision. Is it the realization that no matter what you do, your situation will never change because the issue involves your spouse's inherent personality? Is it the realization that every argument escalates in much the same manner with your husband calling you horrible, hurtful names and saying the most awful words to you? Is it the realization that no matter how many times you try to get on the same page with your spouse, it will always be like banging your head against the wall - frustrating.
Tomorrow morning, when our child runs downstairs with the anticipation of opening her gifts from Santa, I will enjoy the moment. I will enjoy the beauty of her face as she opens her presents. I will enjoy her being able to say, "Look Mommy! Look Daddy! See what Santa brought me!"
Because, next year, Christmas morning may be just she and I, and she'll have to call her dad on the phone.
Divorce shouldn't be an option. But, I understand now why it is for some people. Because choosing the same path and getting the same result gets old after a while... and I love my husband... I just don't love the pain and sadness that I feel when he says hurtful things to me. I learned a long time ago not to name-call in arguments, or say things that could come back "to bite you in the ass". He has yet to learn this lesson. He fights back with so much hatred that it's difficult to forget the next day.
Merry Christmas. I hope your holiday is happy, and filled with joy and love. I know mine will be as I look upon the face of my child, happy on Christmas morning. For the duration of the day, I will not be thinking about the hurtful things that my husband said to me on Christmas Eve, nor will I dwell on the fact that my mom is no longer here with me to experience this joy, but I will dwell on the love that I feel for my child.
May your holidays be filled with joy, love and happiness. Always.
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